The Importance of Keeping Your Word in a Marriage

The Importance of Keeping Your Word in a Marriage Relationships Spouses & Partners Print Do You Keep Your Word in Your Marriage? By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on January 28, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on January 28, 2020  Cavan Images/Getty Images   More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse Interdependency, or being able to depend on each other, is part of what makes a marriage special and successful. Dependability is one of the top qualities people look for in a spouse, and it should be. If one or both of you cant depend on each other, the viability of your marriage is questionable.   When you make a promise to your spouse or say youll do something for your spouse or family and then you dont keep your word, youre letting your spouse down and hurting your marriage.  Keeping your word and following through on your promises helps to reinforce the trust that your spouse has in you. Not keeping your word tells your spouse that you simply dont care, whether or not thats actually true. It makes your spouse feel unloved or unimportant as if he or she isnt worth the effort, and it probably makes you feel bad too. Issues Behind Breaking Promises So why do people break their promises and not keep their word? There is a multitude of potential reasons behind this and it differs for every individual. Some people minimize their need for others, which is often a result of early childhood experiences where there was not a reliable caretaker available. People who experienced this tend to learn to take care of themselves, avoiding reaching out to others for help because they dont know how to depend on someone else. Another reason interdependency can be difficult for some people is because they were raised in a household filled with chaos. There was no consistency and a poor (or no) model of a mature marriage was all that was available, so they genuinely dont understand the nuances of what it means to be able to count on each other. Other people dont know how to be honest and say no. Theyre people pleasers who are worried about how others view them, so instead of explaining honestly why they cant do something, they say yes and then dont follow through. Still, others have issues with feeling controlled. Doing something that someone else has asked them to do leaves a sour taste in their mouth, especially if there are already other problems in the relationship. In order to stop feeling like theyre being controlled, they just dont do what they said they would. How to Keep Your Word None of these potential issues means you cant learn how to be a person of your word. With practice, diligence, and learning to think about your partners needs ahead of your own, you can be the kind of partner he or she needs. If your partner also has issues with being dependable, your good example can inspire him or her to work to be the partner you need too. Heres how to start working toward keeping your word: Dont say youll do something if you cant do it. Be upfront and honest, even if you feel like you might be letting your partner down. Its much, much worse to break your promise later.If you realize that you cant keep your promise, tell your partner as soon as you can and explain exactly why youre unable to follow through. Make this sort of situation the exception, not the rule, especially as youre working to build trust.Dont say, I didnt intend to _____ (forget/hurt you/not do it, etc.), or I forgot, or I didnt have time. Excuses are meaningless and are often a cover for the real reason you didnt choose to follow through. Simply apologize and reiterate that you will keep working toward being a dependable partner.Dont make promises you cant keep. Again, be honest about your reasons.If you changed your mind and dont want to keep your promise, you need to be honest with your spouse about why you think you made the promise in the first place and why you cant now follow through.If you broke a promise because youre often forgetful, consider using some of the high tech ways to be reminded of things you said you would do. You can receive email alerts, popup reminders from your calendar program on your computer, and get text or voice reminder messages on your cell phone.You can give your spouse permission to remind you, too, with the understanding that you wont consider the reminder to be nagging.Think about how it feels to you when someone doesnt come through for you or keep his or her promise. Think about how every time the person does this, your disappointment and trust in him or her deteriorate more. Is that the kind of person you want to be? Put yourself in your spouses shoes.Explore and understand the reasons behind why you dont keep your word. Do you need counseling to work through some childhood problem?  Do you possibly need treatment for ADHD or some other mental health concern? Is there another, perhaps deeper, the problem in your marriage and youre handling it by being passive-aggressive?Realize that there are situations that are beyond your control. For instance, you promised youd take the kids to the park so your partner could have some alone time, but your boss says you have to stay late. The real problem is when you (consciously or subconsciously) choose to break a promise, not when life happens and the choice is taken away from you. The Damage of Breaking Promises Regardless of the reasons for breaking your word, its critical for both spouses to be able to depend on each other. You both need to follow through on your promises without being constantly nagged or reminded to do so. Not keeping your word is damaging to your marriage and leaves you at risk for  divorce. Not being a person of your word is also damaging to you personally. When youre a dependable person, this tells you, and everyone around you, that you have character, integrity, and that you can be trusted. Think of the legends and heroes from movies and booksâ€"part of the reason theyre heroes and legends is that they were usually men or women of their word, people who could be counted on no matter what. Trust is one of the major foundations of a good marriage too, which means that being a dependable partner who always keeps his or her word can mean the difference between a successful and a struggling marriage. Making Positive Changes If up until now you and/or your partner havent been very good about keeping your promises, make it a goal to improve. Ideally, you can work on this together, but even if you simply work on changing yourself, you will likely eventually see improvements in your spouse as well. Dont expect to change overnight, but if you keep working at keeping your promises, address any potential issues noted above, make sure youre always honest with your partner, and support each other, youll start to experience just how beautiful an interdependent relationship really is. Having and being a trustworthy partner is a priceless gift you can become for each other. And youll feel good about yourself too.